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A Surprise for Mother's Day

Around 5 a.m. I was surprised with a bouquet of pink roses when I woke up to feed Gunnner. It was right inside the crib by the latter's feet. The card was the first thing that got my attention which was at the bottom of the vase, then my eyes were drewn upward. There's the roses... neatly tucked in a vase. I oohhed and smiled knowing how Amos managed to sneak those flowers that night. I wasn't expecting for another treat that day since he already took me to the movie last Friday and was even with him when we stopped by at Walmart to get baby's formula that night. Hhhmm... sneaky Swiper... It's nice to know that somehow he still knows how to be romantic despite of a busy day. Geeh, I'm glad I wasn't mistaken... He always knows how to bring a smile on my face the moment I least expect it.

Just...

The year started so fast, from having Gunner, moving out in Richland and moved in a big house by the lake (which we don't even own), house on sale, stay at home mom... it's totally surprising... And  here I am trying hard to build a career that I could back on and hoping I could pass the PRAXIS... whew! I'm just crossing my fingers and keeping the faith that may God send His mercy to this helpless soul... I'll see what will happen next... (whispering a prayer...)

When things don't go your way...

Like many of us, I tried to plan my life carefully the way I think would make it better: from every day's choices to career choices. But what I forgot to consider is, sometimes things don't come my way. No wonder why I get frustrated or angry with myself. I was so focused on the things around me that I forgot to seek the will of my greatest friend, Jesus Christ. For a believer, we all know how important it is to seek God's will in our lives. The approval that would lead us to blissful lives.

Sometimes, it's hard to stay righteous in every circumstance that comes our way; in every test that you have to go through; in things that you tried not to think about. It's like a battle within yourself that you have to face through before it would slip right on your EGO (a psychological term used with your actions shown in comparison to ID and SUPEREGO).

Like for example, with my family, for so many times, I tried to help them out the best that I can, but sometimes even my best is not appreciated. I have told them my situation right now, no work no pay since I have to stay with the baby. But I wonder if sometimes I am heard with what I am telling them. All the time they have reasons to ask for money because of every need that they have from my sister's tuiton to electric and water bills, everything financially is well depended on me. But what can you do when you too, have bills to pay over here? Have credit card trying to pay. I wonder if they truly understand American life over here. I guess not! I am not saying I don't want to help them, all I just want is mere understanding. Such as case like this, few weeks ago I just sent them money to help them out after 2 weeks, here they are writing you and asking for money with their needs again. Gosh, you haven't even paid your bills yet and look what you get from them now?! Isn't that frustrating? All they can tell you is their NEEDS! What do they think of me over here? Just picking up money on the streets? They would write me emails begging me and asking me to have mercy on them as if they starved in there. Do I have to carry the responsibility forever? I am the eldest of the 6 children. My parents told me I am responsible for my siblings since I am the oldest. (Not to mention, how I was treated by them during my college days, with tears all the time. I hardly had emotional support from my parents growing up). But I never hated them, God knows how I asked Him to help them the best that I can too. And I too need a lot of help! Before I left them in coming here, I gave them capital to start a bakery, but what happened to it? When I got here, I asked people to help me to get a tricyle for them, but what happened to it? My youngest sister is 22 years old, from 6 siblings at least 2 or 3 can already help by looking for work to help the family. Not just me all the time, pleaseeee... I would admit, I get frustrated for them. I felt taken for granted all the time. But who would come up as the "bad guy" at the end? Exactly, it's ME! I would admit sometimes, they are a burden to me. Especially when you tried too hard and it's not always enough. God, I know I shouldn't feel this way, but honestly, sometimes, it's just too much for me to bear. I could hardly even get something for myself. Next month, I will be worrying where to get the money I would need to pay my bills since I'm making none right now. All I have Lord is just hope. I want to help them but also I want to be helped. I'm not griping for anything God, I am just expressing these frustrations I am trying to let go. I don't want it to consume me that I could not function well as your child nor pretend it is ok when it is not. I want to see your will regarding this, God or show my family, how desperate I am.  It's been burdening me all the time and I don't want it to trigger like an off and on switch whenever it wants to. I want to be free from it's negative emotions that it brings. All I am asking you God is to give me wisdom to show me how!

Even with my career, I am starting to doubt it. Is this really what you want me to go? Why is not working? Are you trying to test me even to this? It happened twice already, what would be next? What do you want me to do, God? I don't seem to understand! It feels so perfect but it's not even close. What else do I have to do to finally achieve the plans which I thought would be best? If not, please don't let me expect too much, it's just breaking the innermost part of my soul. But you see God, how I tried to stand up from that fall, and still remind myself, you have the best plan for me. Please, stay with me at this time of my life God, cause everything is just so vague. I tried to move forward but I don't know which way to go. Things around me are trying to pull me down in quagmire of emotions. Save me before I will totally lost my grip. Remind me that you're still there for me. I know I wasn't faithful toward you nor to your word. But even that Lord, won't be the hinder of showing me your blessings. I want to be blessed because right now I need to be blessed.  If patience is what it takes, then recharge me before I will run out of it. Be my shield God from all these firy darts hitting me, cause things just don't go my way... so please put me back on your track where you want me to be!

Life with the baby...

Our lives have totally changed the moment we brought the baby home. We never sleep on the same bed but instead used the one by the nursery just to stay close to the baby during the night. Our home is filled with cries and squirms now and then. Probably the most beautiful sound I have heard. And yes, woke you up in the middle of the night or every two hours, and making sure he is breathing while on his sleep. 

Although what this little creature can do right now is to eat, pee, poop, and sleep, I can't wait for the time he will look at my face and realize I'm his mommy. The unintentional smiles he bestowed at me while his eyes are closed had already made my heart jump with joy. I can't wait for the time when those smiles are meant to be.

The bonding that we share during the feeding time was beautiful. Knowing what your body can do for this creature and how much he needed you at this crucial time of his life. Even to this, it takes patience.

I never felt so protective toward something else until with this baby. I have worked with babies and toodlers, but when it comes to my own, it was different. The desire to offer him the best is intense. I want him to have the best life with me and even doing things my way, if only is possible then I would... but unfortunately, I am only a steward of this blessing. God has planned for him which may be different from my own. Although I want him to become something else, God may want him to be somebody else.

The best thing I can do, is to enjoy every moment with him. Months from now his clothes may never fit him anymore, he will be eating solid foods, or started to crawl around the house. It may be a while until he would finally appreciate the things that we do for him but until then, he will always be loved and taken cared of.

Perhaps the other great things we can do for him is to show him how to live in this world, and teach him the things that he needs to learn. Things that would equip him in facing this challenging world and would enable him to stand for himself when we can't be there anymore. When the time comes when he realize, that everything we do is for his own sake, I am sure by that time, every effort made will be rewarded!

The Dream

It was on Mother's Day. I woke up and told my husband about my dream. I saw a baby girl sitting on the side of our bed. She was wearing a pink sleeveless dress with round neck and was sitting on her bottom. I could clearly see her eyes, her nose and her lips. Her hair was dark and her skin was fair. I was so amazed how detailed my dream was. I told my family and relatives about it. They even joke me maybe I am pregnant. For days, the dream keeps so vivid in my mind. So I decided to write a poem about it. Here how it goes...

I Dreamed of You…

I dreamed of you one night right on Mother’s day.

I saw your eyes, your nose, your lips, and your face, its all clear to me.

You were sitting on the side of the bed staring at us.

Your eyes were full of spark and curiosity.

I guess you were curious of us too.

Although I did not see you smile in my dream but in reality we will always make you smile.

You’re wearing a pink sleeveless dress with a round neck while you sit on your bottom. You got Asian eyes like I do, a cute nose and pink thin lips like daddy.

Your skin is fair, fairer than mine.

You are so beautiful.

I can’t wait to hold you in my arms.

Baby girl, when will God send you to us?

I’ve been waiting for the day, I would find out you are part of me.

Very soon, we will make a room for you in the house.

I can’t wait to get your stuff. I am so excited.

If you’re still with God, please let Him know we are excited to have you here.

We will raise you knowing Him and we will love you like how He has loved us.

When you come, I will start thinking of your name.

Could it be Lexine or it could be something else?

We will find baby girl, we will let you know very soon.

I will wait my dearest…

I will wait for you till then.

                                                                               With so much love for you,

                                                                                          Your mommy

The poem may sounds corny but not to someone who's wanting to have a baby so bad. On the 22nd of this month (May), I found out I was pregnant! Was the dream was the sign? I asked God to show me a sign when it was time for me to have a baby.

After all those frustrating negative results it finally confirmed I am pregnant. The joy I felt was just undescribable. The excitement that I've been wanting to feel has finally felt. Although there are things that make me worry such as physical changes, stretchmarks and weight change, but knowing there will be another life breathing in me, I am willing to take all the chances. Afterall, what's beautiful is having the greatest gift from God is having children!

I pray that I won't have any misfortune of losing the baby. I want to keep it as it is. May God will keep it safe. I am excited to experience all the changes in me. I know it will be a very wonderful 9 months journey. I want a girl but whatever God will give us, we would gladly welcome it! Amos and I is looking forward for the day we will have the new member in the family deliver. He was excited and very supportive about it but his only comments... "I'm glad the pipe works." Oh, God bless his heart! He is just a very proud daddy.

Career Searching

I realized the job that I had at the Fort as cook helper was not for me. Not to discriminate others but I wasn't happy as I expected to. Probably because I am more into challenges where I can improve myself professionally as a teacher, wherein I can work wherever there are children. So after I submitted my resignation, I applied to work in the School-Age Services at the Fort, where they have preschools and kindergarten. With no expectations for the job, I decided to substitute since I am qualified. Although it was a part time job, it was indeed very rewarding. I worked with High School, Middle School and Elementary. But since school is over, it means no job now except maybe on summer classes. But if there's opportunity, it wouldn't be that much.

This week I got a call for an interview at the School-Age Services. I don't know what to expect and I wasn't expecting at all. Their main priority is if you are a military wife. Unfortunately, I am not. I was 30 minutes early on my interview. But the director decided to start early anyway. As usual you know how it feels being interviewed. It's nerve-wrecking but I tried to maintain my confidence. She asked me series of questions practically about the nature of the job I applied for. After the interview, she told me she will select the people whom she will be interviewing for the job. She gave me information about the services, the basic pay and so forth. I left the building with no expectations in getting the job. But I wish I got the chance to know how I did on the interview.

After two days, I got a call from a lady with different accent telling to come to the office (NAF) since I got the job. I forgot to ask her which building so I went to the building where I had the interview. But it was actually on a different building (470). When I got there, she showed me all the paper works I need to fill. She sent me more papers to work with and bring it back on my next appointment on Tuesday.

I heard the job has benefits since parents pay for the services. (NAF- Non-Appropriated Fund). They constantly have training for all the teachers, which the lady told me I can use whenever I'll go. That would really be great! In the school, They offered so many activities for the children (3-4). Although the outside part of the building was not that attractive, you will be amazed to see inside it. It has so many sections where the kids can move on one to the another to have fun. The place is well kept too. Wow, I would just love working in this place.

My biggest prayer is may God bless me in everything I do. Even this job. I pray that I can get along well with the people I am working with and be able to build rapport on them. I would do my job as a teacher and abide on the rules. I would be the figure the kids can trust and respect. I would be an educator to them who will teach them the basic skills they will be needing everyday. I pray most of all that I would be a blessing in my work place, that they will see I have God's favor in my life. May this job would just be the start of my career...

Work, School and Almost No Play

When the year starts, things start to build on me too. I just enrolled classes for Spring trying to get a teaching certification. Although I am under a condition such as "if a pass the PRAXIS Test for Elementary Education, I don't have to take further classes other than American history and American government this summer." Even my practicum will be waived knowing that I had teaching experience in the PH(PI). I hope it will work out fine. I will just entrust everything to God. After that, I wanted to pursue on the Graduate Program for Special Education. Hopefully by next year, I can get a teaching job and still go on with my studies. I see myself starved for knowledge. I am not afraid to pursue the next level of my career knowing this would help me and my family better in few years from now.

Although, the new-found work I have paid well, but it's not the place I want to be with for the rest of my life for knowing these reasons: First; the shift is either night or very early in the morning. Especially when you work in the evening, the moment you will be out from work, most of the stores are already close. No fun, eh? I worked at the military base at the Ft. Leonardwood, which I heard, a job to die for most people here in this area since it's a federal job. They pay you twice as much compared to most of the jobs outside it. Second; I still prefer to spend quality time with my husband and later on with my kids. Although I have seen people worked there for so many years, they have seem happy about it knowing "good money, men, good money" but because of it's routinal chores everyday, I will get bored so easy, and third; I still prefer to be challenged with educational aspects in dealing with kids and making them learn everyday. After all, that's the best legacy a teacher could leave for her students and for them to make use of it later on. It takes effort, it takes a will and it takes strategies to make it happen!

Well the fun part I know now is either watching soap operas on TFC or here in front of the computer checking what's going on in the other part of the world. Other than that... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Note: The blogs below have been posted before the stated date. It has just been retrieved for update purposes. Thanks, I hope you will enjoy reading it.

All I want for Christmas!

The first time I had my first 35mm camera, all I did was to take pictures of myself, my family, places and everything that I can think of. It was very exciting. I developed rolled and rolled of films and stack it in boxes. When digital cameras became the newest trend, I am so drawn to it. I got one for myself although it wasn't branded. I think it's so cool to download the photos in the computer and able to edit it. One more thing is you can choose which photo you want to be printed. Everything about digital amazed me.

When I found that Amos has a Sony 5.2 megapixels camera, I think that was so neat. But then I got frustrated cause it wasn't good enough. When I was referred to a site where you can send your photos and make money from it, the photos I have taken from Amos cam was not good enough. From then on I wanted to own a professional camera. After all those sweet talks, baby pouts, wishes to Amos, he decided to get me a camera with the model I want this Christmas. Yehheeeyyy...

I searched online and read reviews about cameras. I am drawn on Canon brands. My top two choices are Canon EOS 30D and Canon Rebel XTi. The main difference between the two is the resolution, the weight, the cover and the ISO. The 30D is a best pick up for tough environment work because of it's durable cover. The Canon Rebel XTi has better resolution since it has 10.2 megapixel although the 30D has better ISO of 36,000 max which would probably best for dimmer or lesser lights. But as what they say regardless of the pixels, the lens is what matters most. Quality lenses would cost 300 to1,000 dollars. That's why it's best to buy camera with kits which may include 1 to 3 lenses and save more money instead of buying individual lens. Macro lenses are one of them that I wanted to collect. With Rebel XTi, this new and advance Canon Camera at reasonable price, you can collect the EFS lenses you want. Whatever capture it may take, from sports to portrait, landscape, close-up or more, Canon lenses are perfect for it!

May this new found hobby would take me somewhere. Hopefully make money from it!

What I want to do best…

Have you ever come to a point in your life that you see yourself in a crossroad? What I mean is even though you have chosen your career but deep inside of you, you always wanted to do more? I do. Looking back at my life in the

Philippines, I thought I have done enough with my education. When I came here in the United States, I have learned there are many things in life that I have to accomplish that's including my career. I guess it's because of the culture I am in now. Looking at my self now and how am I in this culture, I could say I haven't done nothing much yet. I want to be part of the culture... I want to do something that I could be considered up high in this culture that could be mean through education which would reflect my career too. The reason why I aim higher education in the PH it's because I want to be considered up high in the society in terms of career and money making. But what am I here right now? It feels like I am going back to the basic. It feels like I haven't accomplished anything at all. But no, that doesn't stop me from achieving high. The desire keeps on aspiring me to do my best even more. I know I could be better. God's with me! He brought me here, surely, He has no reason to just abandon me and leave me no hope. I know I have His favor! Lord, whatever this life may take me, may it will be blissful and abundant so I may bless others too...

The New House

The New House

After all those months of working, we finally have moved in. I could say we did good job in choosing colors for each room. We prefer earth tones because we believe it's easy to use it as a base and go upward (from earth to the rest of the elements). What we need now is to add accents on every room to complete the project.

The best thing we have done in this house was changing the carpet and tiling the whole kitchen floor (which includes the dining and the pantry) and the hallway with italian marble. Amos and I decided to choose the quality materials to personalize everything according to our taste. So far so good... but as what they say as long as you live... there's always something to work in the house. But for now... we will make the most of it along the way!

Living Room...

Living room to the hall way...

Master Bedroom with King Size bed...

P.S. Will post more pictures very soon... so watch for it!!!